SOUL TIES (Part I)

The Entanglement

A lot of the time we want to keep the things that God wants us to let go. My Heart was in two different places.

It was another youth night at my church on a regular Friday. We would go to worship together and hear the word being preached or taught. Every Friday night after a long day in school, my older sister and I would attend the youth services. On a Friday night in 2016, I sat and listened to my youth pastor teach from the book of Daniel in the Bible. It was so profound and life-changing that it still rings in my ear today. She told the story about the three Hebrew boys who were thrown in a fiery furnace for choosing not to bow down to the golden image of a king, King Nebuchadnezzar. In the story, Israel was taken into captivity by another nation, Babylon. Hold on, I know it sounds like I’m preaching, but chill out and keep reading.

It was against their beliefs to serve any other God or to have idols. King Nebuchadnezzar demanded that a golden statue of himself be built in the city and when all the people hear the sound of the trumpet, they had to bow down to it. However, these three boys refused to bow down to the image because they’re God wasn’t King Nebuchadnezzar, but all the other people in the city did. At the closing of her message, she asked us “what is the golden image that you’ve bowed down to?” She asked us for the remaining minutes to tell God what that “thing” was that we would idolize before God. As I sat there with my eyes closed, I began to tell God that my golden image would be a “boyfriend.” Yes sis, a Boyfriend! Only to realize that two years later I would find myself bowing to the “golden image” because I ended up in a 3-year relationship.

Relationships

I’ve heard the saying that whenever God wants to do something in your life He’ll use a relationship and whenever, the devil wants to do something in your life he’ll use a relationship. The difference is that one is a godly relationship and the other is an ungodly relationship. I realized throughout high school the power a relationship would have on me. I didn't grow up having many friends, maybe 1 or 2 real friends, so I knew that if I ever could feel the void of my loneliness through a relationship whether friendly or intimate then I would be fine. The truth is I may have just been infatuated with the idea of love. I wanted to know what it felt like to be in love and to be in a relationship. I got myself into something I wasn’t prepared for. It has taught me a lot of about myself and loving someone else is no game.

Tea Time

When I was preparing to go to college during the summer of 2018, I met a guy. It started off in the regular talking stage and eventually grew into a relationship. (If you don’t know what the talking stage is, your old lol). Everything was going great. I was going away to school, away from my parents and I had a potential boyfriend who ironically lived in the same city I was going to school in. (Y'all wouldn't believe how ironic it was. You would’ve thought it was planned). Let’s just say that void of loneliness never went away. I thought I could suppress it. Hide it deep in my heart so that God could never remind me that He wanted to fill it. I thought that if I got a boyfriend, I would be more confident in my self-esteem. Every day I found myself feeling God’s conviction and hated every bit of it. I didn't want to feel His conviction for trying to let someone else fill my emptiness because I wouldn’t let God do it. As much I wanted to be in a relationship with this guy, I was broken spiritually and not the good kind of broken. I was dying spiritually. I didn’t want to talk to God, I thought he didn’t love me anymore, I thought he wouldn’t want to hear from me. I thought he forgot about me because of the condemnation that outweighed all the conviction I felt from all the things people typically do in relationships, but God wanted me all to himself. He’s a jealous God and he would go beyond the limits to have you all to himself. I’d rather be in a godly soul-tie than an ungodly one. Thus, it was a constant battle for me between choosing God or staying in this relationship. It was only a battle because I started to put him before God. It’s the most dangerous place to put someone on the “throne of your heart” instead of God. Somehow, I played that dangerous game. It resulted in me being in a soul tie.

After constant break-ups and feeling the tug of my deep attachment to him I choose God. I chose not to bow to the image but to stand for a life that is surrendered to God. Oh, and it wasn’t easy and still isn’t. Heartbreaks aren’t meant to feel beautiful. But when God takes you through heartbreaks, He picks up the pieces and restores to you a new heart. Leaving friends or history with a person isn’t easy, but to get out of it we must close our eyes and hold God’s hand.

What’s In Your Heart?

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.

~Matthew 6:21

We all have things that we treasure. Some of them are good, and some of them aren’t good. When I was between the ages of 9 and 12 years old, I was what today we call a “material girl.” I would cry when I couldn’t find my cute expensive shirts or couldn’t get the pair of Jordans I wanted. The only reason why I would get so emotional about those materialistic things was that I treasured them, and they were important to me.

Treasure can be something that a person adores or take esteem in. For example, some people can treasure material items, a significant other, friendships, opinions, education, and careers. The things or relationships we treasure become bad when we idolize them and put them at the forefront of our lives before God. Matthew 6: 21 (NIV) states, “For where your treasure is, there your HEART will be also.” Therefore “our hearts [become] owned by whatever we consider our `treasure’”. The things that we treasure/ love dearly have the potential to cause heartbreaks, confusion, anger, and a lot of other emotions because that kind of love should be reserved for God. God cares more for your heart than He does for your actions. Being young, I know it's hard for us not to be focused on our treasure, i.e., careers, which is not a bad thing, but when we idolize our treasure, we’ve replaced God.

Thus, it is important for us to always keep Jesus first in our lives and to choose His perfect will for our lives over our own will. Ways we can do this are by:

1.     Desire things in our hearts that God wants for us

2.     Desire godly friendships and relationships

3.     Desire God more than worldly things

4.     GUARD OUR HEART because “everything [we] do flows from it” Proverbs 4:23.

Letters to The Throne #1

Dear God,

I hate the process. I should’ve listened to you when you told me don’t get into it. I didn’t listen. You wanted to protect me from this but I wanted to experience things for myself. I regret it. I continue to put a smile on my face but I wish I can go back. Go back and do it all over again. This time I’ll listen to you. I reassure myself thousands of times that you’ll carry me through this because pain gives birth to purpose. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to go through the process to get where you want me to be. I don’t have all the answers but I have to trust your intentions. I know you said all things work together for my good and most days I fail to take you at your word. This process I’m going through I hate it because some days feel easier than others. Every minute I’m being processed feels like eternity.

Love Des,

12/1/21

FEAR

Fear is like Will Smith. It smacks you out of pursuing your dreams.

Fear and I have the most toxic relationship! One minute I like it because it keeps me in my comfort zone, and the next minute, I hate it because I have so many creative ideas. Fear is contagious. It can spread like wildfire. It has the potential to ruin your dreams and others. Fear for me looked like living in my comfort because I was scared to live outside the box. I was afraid to live in my purpose. I feared the judgment of people. And when fear GRIPS you of your passion, dreams, mind, and emotions, it refuses to let go. The only cure for fear is being courageous. It sounds cliché, but it's the truth. Now Courageous means to be deterred by danger or pain. So, what is dangerous or painful about pursuing your purpose or dream? What do you have to lose to live outside the culture and its norms?

TTime (Transparency Time)

I lived in fear and sometimes struggled with loosening its grip on me. It’s a mixture of fear of the unknown and the things I must leave behind to pursue what God has for me. I had so many excuses not to launch my blog or other businesses I want to create. I was fearful of what people would say about me or how I would be perceived. It’s a difference between being afraid of little stuff like spiders, bees, and dogs than being afraid of your future. That’s me!

Overcoming Fear

Some things that fester fear can be rejection, childhood trauma, mental abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and words. All of these play a huge part in holding us back. However, I think out of all… WORDS affect us in powerful ways which can create fear. Think about it! People become fearful of rejection because of the word “no,” people become afraid because someone may have threatened them, someone may have told them that they’d never be anything in life, or you can become fearful because of a threat. It all stems from words. The tongue is a significant body part. It helps create words, so without it, we cannot speak. Thus, to overcome fear, we should watch what we say, but also watch what we listen to and be careful of the people we allow to speak into our life. In all of this, we can create fear for ourselves and others. So, being courageous doesn’t mean you become a superhero. It looks different for everyone because everyone isn’t afraid of the same thing. Being courageous for me was starting this blog, and it took much talking to myself to overcome the thoughts of what people may think about me. However, we should never let fear be the ruler of your life.

Here I am, risking it all!

Conviction vs. Condemnation

“If you don’t have no story to tell them, then you don’t have no power.”

- Dr. Matthew Stevenson III

I grew up in church my entire life. Yup that’s right a “church baby”. I knew what it was like to party on Saturday and then worship in church on Sunday. I knew what it was like to have some drinks, then tell God that I’ll never do it again. But, the soul tie I was probably my greatest convictions. However, we fail to recognize that it is better to feel God’s conviction than to not feel it.

What is Conviction?

Conviction is God’s correction and chastisement that can be felt when we do something that is not pleasing to God. It’s one of His love languages. (Hebrews 12:6). Without God’s conviction, we are subject to the feeling of guilt. Now God’s conviction is different from the world’s conviction. For instance, the world’s conviction looks at the current state and past of a being (you) and determines their future. The world’s conviction would hold you to your past, but God’s conviction doesn’t. God’s conviction looks at the state of a being's future and determines the process needed to get them there.

Transparency Time (TTime)

Let me be transparent. During my undergrad years at college, I attended multiple functions/ parties on the weekends. It was nothing like a good spring weekend or a homecoming event. I would pre-game before the parties with friends, and most of the time, I ended up intoxicated (I do not promote underage drinking). I would enjoy the night out, but I would feel God's conviction when I would wake up the following day. His conviction made me feel like I’ve vexed Him. It was to the point that it brought me to repentance. Without that conviction, I wouldn’t have created this blog. God’s conviction in those very moments reminded me that He wanted to deliver me and wanted me to give up that life because He desired better things for me. But it was through those times I learned more about God’s agape (His love) through His conviction. God’s love admires every one of your imperfections.

It’s important to note that God’s conviction brings you to repentance instead of guilt (2 Cor. 7:10). Repentance is “a commitment to a new way of living and… the transformation of the human heart and mind”. The good thing about God is that He forgives us and doesn’t hold our past or faults against us when we repent. He actually forgets about it! (Hebrews 8:12). After we repent, we must turn out hearts and strive to live like Jesus Christ.

What is condemnation?

Condemnation is the feeling of guilt resulting from another’s judgment. God NEVER condemns us. (Romans 8:1). I think it is accusations without reason. Therefore, the world loves to condemn people. Condemnation can come from family, friends, co-workers, and sadly church people. For example, if someone who has a criminal record commits robbery and all evidence shows that they stole the items, then the judge only option is to punish (condemn) that person because they have found he/she guilty of committing that crime. It makes you think that because you did something regrettable that God looks at you as a terrible person. However, God is so just (fair) that He would look at that person’s record and still choose to use he/she for a greater purpose. He wouldn’t cast guilt or shame on an individual, instead, His conviction changes a person. It would point out all the evidence that shows how He can transform a thief into a disciple.

Always remeber that He is so in love with you. I mean, everything that you think is wrong about you He loves and there is nothing you do can change His mind about you!

Transparency lives here - Defined Destiny

Leave a comment down below if you liked this blog. I’d love to do part 2!

LAW SCHOOL?

“When you don’t know what to do, look for the peace of God in your decision[s].”

- Dr. Aretha Wilson

If I could categorize this season of my life it would be called “The Re-route”. I thought I had it all figured out. Then boom, my plan for after graduation turns upside down.

For a year, I questioned if law school was part of my future after college. It was never my childhood dream to become a lawyer. As a career goal I thought it was too typical of a black woman’s dream. However, I knew that working in the court room was where I wanted to be. I had a passion for law and that was all. I was intrigued by the terminology and the history of cases that become precedent followed by the entire world. On the other hand, Law school was another thing. Child, I prayed to God for clarity about it for months. I wanted to know if this was part of His will for me, but that’s another story for another day.

Applying to law schools and potentially being a a first generation law student was terrifying. I knew nothing about the application process, the LSAT or the top 14 schools in the country. I just knew I needed a plan I’d be intrested in after I graduate. I decided to invest into this process. I listened to podcast after podcast, watched youtube videos, connected with law students, law professors, and attorneys. The craziest part is that I still didn’t have it all figured out. My Road 2 Law tested me. It tested my faith, patience, and my heart. After submitting my applications I still didn’t figure out whether my heart was drawn to law school, but I will never regret taking the leap of faith and applying.

Although deny letters may have altered the path, the destination remain the same. It doesn’t mean that law school isn’t an option later on in life because rejection is God’s redirection. Knowing that He’s guiding me, I’m at peace with the way it turned out. So fellow dreamers, don’t give up on your career goals because of the reroute of your journey. God has already defined your destiny!

PEOPLE PLEASER

“Don’t live up to the expectations of people who don’t know themselves.” -Robert Ty Jones

(Did I really want people to know?)

I have wanted to start my blog since October 2020. I struggled to unbottle this idea, so I kept putting the cap on it. I was scared. Afraid to share the challenges I faced, being as young as I am. I was frightened of how it would be perceived if I told my everyday struggles. However, being transparent has always been ironically comforting. I had every excuse never to start this blog, but here I am. I’m telling you everything I never wanted people to know.

Let's cut to the chase. I was scared of what people would say or think about me. Society calls it a "people pleaser," and that's exactly what I was. Since everyone loves labels, let's define it. It's a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. Where was my happiness? I pleased so many people trying to fit their standards, morals, and values that I lost my happiness. I love to write, so when a friend of mine first suggested that I start a blog, I was excited. But, as I sat in my college dorm bedroom bringing this idea to life, my excitement died down. "I can't do this blog,” I told myself. But who was I more afraid of? People or God?

Did I really want people to know that I was dying in my spiritual life because I liked the world's fun going to parties and drinking with my friends, but I wanted God too? Did I really want people to know how much I tried to fit in with friends but never felt satisfied with it? Did I really want people to know that I struggled with lust and low-self-esteem? Did I really want people to know how I got into a soul tie with a young man I put before God? Or did I really want people to know that I would cry in my room because I had secrets that I vowed never to tell anyone?

Yes, I did. If I had asked myself these questions two years ago, the answer would have been "no," but today, I choose to live in my transparency. Not to be amusing or to continue being fake, but to help others heal and see that they're not alone. You are not alone with your struggles as you walk this journey with Jesus Christ. I call it being young and saved.

Psalms 37:40 "The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them because they take refuge in Him" (NIV). 

Thus, the Lord loves you and me. He loves us so much that he knows every one of our flaws and still desires to use us for His purpose. He'll bring you out of lust, depression, suicide, and even heartbreak, but we must first ask Him for forgiveness and admit that we’ve made mistakes. The best thing about it all is that you can find safety, healing, and comfort in Him from it. He's here to protect you from it. So, no more people-pleasing! Let's commit to not letting anyone else's needs or desires stop us from fulfilling our purpose because people need help and healing. This blog is part of my purpose, and I choose to never put the cap back on it.

“Transparency lives here”- Defined Destiny